Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW
27 Sina St. L4P 3E9 Keswick, ON, Canada

I've seen many folks whose issues concern alcohol. Very often, Friday nights are a time of greater consumption. For many, this pandemic has intensified the problem. For others, it has created a problem. The issue about alcohol consumption is that it isn't always recognized as an issue by the one consuming. ... It can however have a small to much larger to huge impact on others in the relationship circle of the one consuming. Issues may be as simple as not being emotionally available. Even if jovial and good spirited, so to speak, one can be checked out from the emotional needs of one's partner or kids. If the alteration of personality goes in a negative direction, then not only is the person unavailable, but the source of additional concern. Even if someone is seemingly harmless, sleeping under the influence, they remain unavailable. If actually passed out from over consumption, then fear and wellbeing and safety issues emerge. I do get that alcohol provides an escape. Sometimes a much needed escape. However, as a coping strategy, it can and does for many, lead to outcomes that contribute to greater distress. If consuming, please be mindful of quantity. You may not realize that 5 or more standard beverages is considered a binge. If you consume along with your partner and worry for both your consumption, lead by example. Switch to a tea or soda or anything else, or decline the next beverage. When asked why, just say you've noticed yourself creeping up there and wasn't feeling good about it. Just start with you. Maybe next week your influence will have rubbed off. If concerned for a partner who is less than approachable on the subject, consider ALANON for yourself. Again, lead by example. If you see yourself as unable to resist, consider attending an online AA meeting. Just Google it. It's easy to find and do. Many folks hail from families and social context where consumption and over consumption is normal. Normal doesn't equal healthy or good. Please self-reflect. One of the best ways to do so is seeing your reflection in the eyes of your partner or children. Please, be mindful. Be well.

Please remember that often when dealing with a narcissist, they feed off of your upset. That's why your appearing neutral when dealing with them is your best secret weapon. The moment you lose it, they go, "Gotcha!"... They count your upset as a win even if the issue addressed and resolved doesn't actually meet their needs, as odd as that may sound. It is their vindictiveness they seek to feed, not the outcome of the matter in dispute. The matter in dispute is just the vehicle to rile you. No showing of being riled.... then, no win. No win, no fun. Appearing neutral, that's the key.

I awoke this morning to the memory of last night's dreams, dreams of other people's experiences. As therapists, counselors, social workers, we must be mindful of what we internalize. If internalizing such content that it adversely affects our lives, we refer to that as secondary victimization. ... If we are affected such that we become numb to the pain of others and respond uncaringly, we refer to that as compassion fatigue. My life is such that I am filled with nearly 40 years of other people's stories. I have likely cycled through those issues as a social worker. We are only human. Now, I reflect, talk and share. Even here, with you. Own your experience, your distress, your upsets. Authenticity and transparency in a safe environment or relationship is key to recognizing and addressing those issues, even if you are in the business.

A colleague told me he uses this video in his work with people. When he reminded me of it, I thought it worth sharing again. Its about the impact of childhood abuse on one's adult relationships. ... I do mention some kinds of abuse, so because of that, I just want to give a trigger warning for this video..... https://youtu.be/wYZeznu3Myc

She told me how she thought her parents' separation was her fault. It happened on the evening of the day she brought home a "B". Despite her effort on the assignment, it apparently didn't measure up, at least in her own mind.... That was the night her parents fought. She thought it was about the grade. With that fight one of her parents left the home never to return. She was now in her young twenties, the story was from when she was twelve. As a young adult, she held onto a child's view. It fed depression. The challenge was confronting that child's perception, the magical thinking that the coincidence of her grade was actually the reason for her parents' separation. Finally realizing her parents were already in the midst of a separation and that one had long since been in another relationship was an awakening she sought to avoid. Better it be her fault than believe a parent had an affair. Clear light of day. Sometimes therapy is about providing a space to explore those childhood beliefs and put things together with the insight of an adult. Sure, still sad, but no longer depressed. There is a difference and she knew she wasn't to blame. She was free.

What she didn't realize was that she was in a far better position than she thought. Her anxiety had won her over... until we talked. Not an uncommon issue though when your ex is a narcissist. Ever hear of an earworm? That's when you get a tune in your head that you can't get rid of. That tune just plays and plays.... Narcissists can create their own kind of ear worm. They get into your head with all the projection, denial and gaslighting that you come to internalize their point of view as if it's your own. That's when an outside perspective can be so helpful. As we chatted and I learned about the context, behavior and the tangible evidence she had, I would have to guess that if the matter were returned to court as he threatens, she would again do well as she had done before. She was in a sense lucky for the evidence she had even though he had her convinced otherwise. With that she no longer felt hostage, knew how to organize her information and it was as if the earworm had died. I know there will be some reading this post who may not have a clue what I am talking about. If one's partner or ex is a narcissist though, this is going to make perfect sense. It's almost as if this is one thing you have to experience to believe. For those that don't, you're lucky. For those who do, I certainly get it too. It was a pleasure meeting and chatting with this woman. Her anxiety was relieved.

Last week I wrote about a parent who owing to childhood abuse always negotiated with their kids as a means of managing behavior and expectations. Trouble was, the kids were better negotiators and would escalate to intimidating behavior if their negotiations didn't go well. I had advised the parent to inform the one child about the abuse background and the child's behavior as retraumatizing. (This was said in a way so as to inform and not guilt the child.) What was interesting... was this parent's realization that their childhood experiences skewed their present day parenting. The parent not only followed the plan but realized that given their expectations were indeed reasonable, there was little to actually negotiate. With that the parent started "parenting with intention". This meant no longer entering into long negotiations and being drawn into rabbit holes. This child not only became more reasonable, but also more affectionate. Interestingly, when the new parenting attitude was applied to the other child, that child also became far more reasonable. So many lessons here. Chief among them is how abuse backgrounds can skew parenting beyond awareness and that parenting with intention doesn't have to be harsh or mean itself. It's all about the confidence one brings to the role and affecting decisions unapologetically, forthrightly, yet still reasonably. Oh, the kids may still object at first, but that's OK... they still now know to follow though and with time those objections subside. Parenting with intention.

Look what just arrived from Amazon... Two telescoping back scratchers. Surprise Arlene! This is for you!

Levels of fear. We are living in levels of fear. We are in another more rigorous lockdown. ... Businesses are shuttered, at least many are. In-person learning is no longer available. Parents are again balancing work and the care of their kids. For many, work is precarious. When work is precarious so is food security and housing. Then of course there are work environments and the roll out of vaccines. The work environments of greater risk are those that employ predominantly persons of color as well as those of lower income earners, the working poor. The roll out of the vaccine has favored white communities. So, looking at those levels of fear, it is not proportionate depending on wealth and race. In this topology, I am at the top. That is privilege. I have a view that priviledge is not a right. To me, that is racism. I view priviledge as a responsibility. I wonder and worry about how to be responsible. I take this responsibility seriously. To that end, we give to others, we find ways to support others. We use our voice, yet are careful that our voice doesn't speak for the experience or needs of others, does not cover the voices of those that must be heard directly. We are open to being told of our unconscious biases and be self-reflecting. We speak out about inequities and political policies that perpetuate discrimination, hate and racism. Levels of fear. It is not equal, based on race. No amount of fear, the result of this pandemic is good. It is all bad. It is worse for some for no other reason than racism. Access to resources should not depend on color or indeed, maybe it should, with those most affected at the head of the line.

Tonight it's homemade pizza made easy. Although a pre-made sauce and packaged garlic Naan for the crust, we've got some great ingredients to bring it to another level: Thick cut naturally smoked bacon;... Medley of fried shitaki, oyster and cremini mushrooms; Fried red pepper; Fried thinly sliced fresh garlic; Quality mozzarella cheese. Salivating already.

I am seeing fewer memes and shout-outs to healthcare workers these days. This at a time when they are stretched beyond the imaginable. I can't imagine how you are coping, particularly now with the impossible decisions you face moment to moment, with the concern of loved ones without access to those in your care, having to speak the unspeakable and absorb such, pain, fear and sorrow.... Please know you are in my thoughts, that you have my respect, that I care about your well-being. My respect for you runs deep. Only gratitude and wishing you peace as you provide care to those who can no longer care for themselves. I promise to do my best to remain healthy and not add to your burden. I promise to socially distance even though I have received my first dose of vaccine. I promise to wear a mask if in public. I promise to wash my hands thoroughly. This I do for the welfare of others and to honor your work on behalf of all others. Thank you.

I am watching a live press conference regarding the police killing of another black man, in Minnesota, Daunte Wright, age 20. The Chief of Police released the body cam video. Mr Wright was removed from his car, shook off the officer who was attempting to place hand cuffs on him and reentered his car to leave the scene. As Mr Wright was struggling to shake off the officer while seated in the car, a single shot was fired.... The Chief of Police explained that the officer called, "Taser, taser," as per training. He went on to explain that it appeared the officer deployed her firearm with her dominant hand as opposed to the taser which would have been drawn by the non-dominant hand. With that the Chief of Police says it appears to be an accidental killing. However, this whole incident is the result of a black man, pulled over for what appears to be a car freshener hanging from the rear view mirror. Only after pulling him over did they learn of outstanding warrants. This death appears to still be the outcome of systemic racism. Two weeks ago I was followed and pulled over by police. The officer informed me I was exceeding the speed limit. I was treated respectfully. I did not have to exit my car. Never once did I consider my life to be at risk. I am white. Black lives matter.

In this world where sex trafficking is a thing, I continue to receive Facebook messages from young women seeking to make my acquaintance. The message begins always with a single word, "Hello." I check the profile and there is little to see beyond a few picks of a provocatively posed woman.... I never engage and always block the person from my site. Who even knows if their picture actually represents the person messaging. I know these persons continue to message others, likely many others and why.... because it works. This is sexual fishing and sadly, there are those who take the bait. When it comes to sex trafficking, many become involved having fallen prey to manipulative predators. Many of those trafficked have their own vulnerabilities making them easier prey. Love your kids Believe them if they say bad things have happened. Be their safe place.

Our regular mugs were in the dishwasher, so Arlene pulled this from the back of the cupboard. A tad younger then. I got us one each.... XO

People get more than annoyed when a Judge's view doesn't mesh with their own. Indeed, Judges are born human and will have their own biases, biases which will influence their decisions. It can be quite a role of the dice.... This articles gives some examples. https://www.abajournal.com//do-you-know-what-makes-your-ju

From my bed this morning, waking, I can see out the bedroom door and then through the picture window of our living room. The sun is rising. Trees stand in front of an orange-red sky. Their silhouette painting a picture of a winter early morning. Cold, yet pretty. I am thinking about people, those people whose lives are so impacted by this pandemic, in any way.... It is about loss. It is about grief. Here in the season of miracles, many are not experiencing any sense of the miraculous. Theirs is a sense of pain, the result of expectations not meeting life's reality. I think of you. There are only few who I may touch with my words. In so doing, I hope that at least of those, some find relief. The sun is rising. Not all will see it at once. I hope you do soon though. Know you are in my thoughts wishing you well, peace and health. May this season be miraculous for us all. May the sun rise such that it catches your eye.

It is not in controlling the other that change occurs. It is in controlling oneself, managing what may have been knee-jerk reactions, those triggers that instill fear and anxiety. For as we manage ourself under duress, as we can come to a sense of calm, equilibrium, our thinking is restored.... It is all about quietening that turmoil. Once quiet, once still, better reasoning and judgement returns. Big feelings beget big behavior. Big behavior begets trouble. With our big feelings stilled, we can think about the subtle response, the one that is both reasonable to the trigger and is less likely to further inflame matters. With that, calm may be restored to all. That is where change comes from.

Those who regularly see my posts will get this... My mom sent me a letter. On the back she wrote in small letters, Sir Gary. She's a riot!

Emotional bombs. The power moves of the narcissist. They drop it on you and indeed fear ensues. You are called upon to respond. It feels urgent.... Responding in urgency is the signal the bomb detonated. Patience. Wait. Think it through. Give yourself time to decompress, to shake off the anxiety, to even speak with someone first. Only when calm has returned can a reasonable reply be considered, which, depending on the nature of the bomb may even include no reply. Your patience with yourself may be your best defense. And with that, several deep breaths.

An interesting American history lesson on Thanksgiving. I never knew.

I had the pleasure of presenting on behalf of the Shulman Law Group today - Managing Through Covid-19. https://youtu.be/GKMQSp4peOs

Child behavior, mental health and parental responsiveness: Connection? Apart from what the child brings to creating challenges in terms of their unique make-up, the response by parents can be seen on a continuum of under-responsive, reasonably responsive and over responsive. Child doesn't make bed:... Parent doesn't ask, demonstrate or acknowledge. Child may continue to not make bed. Conversely, parent may jump in to help before the child has an opportunity to struggle with a get it themselves thus undermining the child's ability to truly learn or grasp the elements of the task, or parent may be critical, sarcastic or demanding, thus making the task feel like punishment from which the child withdraws. Best case scenario, parent models, shows, encourages and accepts the child efforts. Child gains mastery over time and feel supported and good for the outcome and thus seeks to continue. Child has anxiety: Parent may leave the child with too little support or encouragement and thus the child is often or continually overwhelmed and internalizes a sense of dread or worry when confronted by new or difficult situations. Conversely, parent is too quick to jump in, ally concerns, seek to understand or even protect the child from having to address and learn to cope with the issue. The child may internalize their fear as reasonable and may even increase their fears over time. Best case scenario, parent supports, is engaged yet allows and facilitates the child confronting the situation to gain mastery over own emotions. Just like Goldilocks and the three bears, when considering child issues, one's approach may be too little, too much or just right. The thing about child behavior or mental health though is that their issues can become the sole focus of attention when it may be helpful to address parental management of those issues. This is not about parental intention which overall may be assumed to be good, but what actually occurs and how that intertwines with the issue of the child. While counseling may be of service to sort out ones contribution to these matters, an open mind and some capacity for self-reflection helps too.

I am sure many are doing this for the wee ones, but how about your elementary school kids or even older? Heck you can even take turns. Reading out loud. Sure it's old fashioned, but a good book is always a good book.... Imagine grabbing Harry Potter or whatever is a kids favorite and asking your kids to join you for a read. In these days of the pandemic, it just may be one positive memory to provide for the experience. Maybe some popcorn to go with.

I know some of the folks who follow my page endured horrible, unspeakable abuse. I also know some are fearful of overwhelming the therapist as indeed, some could be overwhelmed. In fact, there is a concept of vicarious trauma, where one is affected not for experiencing the event directly, but by hearing the details of it.... I just want you to know that given my years of practice, I have heard of many incidents, awful atrocities of abuse. I have heard them because I have asked about them. I also want you to know that I believe people's stories of abuse. If you need therapy the result of abuse and are concerned about a possible need to protect the therapist, then do ask the therapist if they are prepared to hear such stories, if they have in the past and if they have a support system should the need arise. In the end, you need to be able to speak freely and without having to worry about an adverse impact on the therapist. Therapy has to be about you and your needs and concern of the therapist shouldn't get in your way.