Jordan Pickell Counselling

After setting a boundary, even one that feels 100% right and necessary, sometimes guilt creeps in. Maybe it’s because you see their disappointment or hurt or anger. You start ruminating on the impact on the other person and your relationship. It might feel selfish because you are prioritizing your own needs over someone else. Maybe growing up, in your family, any boundaries at all were seen as rejection or disrespect or heartlessness. As a society, we glorify self-sacrifice. ...If you notice feelings of guilt, you can use these statements to remind you that just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean that you’ve done something wrong. I can survive the discomfort of setting a boundary. I deserve to be treated with respect. I am not responsible for other people’s feelings. It’s okay if they are disappointed. I am making the best decisions for my own health and well-being. #boundaries #healthyboundaries #setboundaries #boundariesarehealthy #settingboundaries #relationshiptips #affirmation #youareworthy #youdeservebetter

The so-called "spoiled child" is said to be entitled, narcissistic, and demanding. Children *are* entitled. Entitled to food, shelter, clothing. Entitled to attention. Entitled to play. Children have seemingly endless wants and needs that parents are expected to fulfill. As a parent with two kids under five, I completely understand how hard it is to respond to all of these wants and needs. It feels impossible, and to be honest, exhausting and sometimes *whispers* annoying. Bu...t it is not a child’s responsibility to suppress their wants and needs to ease adults’ frustration. We might call a child spoiled when the issue is our own guilt or shame because our resources time, money, energy is not enough to meet the child’s needs right now. Or because we feel unable to say no. That’s not on our children. When children are focused on others' needs over their own, especially the needs of adults, something has gone awry. Children are supposed to be self-centred. Knowing how to ask for support, to receive love, to take up space these are important tasks for childhood and relational skills we bring into adulthood. Let’s not shame our children for having the audacity to receive. Spoiled children are bad children and there is no such thing as a bad child. #consciousparenting #cptsd #toddlertantrums #mindfulparenting #mindfulmama #childdevelopment #peoplepleasing #peoplepleaser

Parentification is when a child is treated like a parent. It can look like serving as the parent's confidante, therapist, or partner. While the term focuses on the child, parentification often relates to a whole family dynamic. Parents are unable to perform the necessary duties as a parent-- performing household tasks, emotional and physical care for the children, or emotional and physical care for themselves. Parentification often happens in the context of violence, scarce r...esources, or instability. Some parentified children take on adult responsibilities in order to survive-- cooking, cleaning, caring for younger siblings. Maybe they feel the need to protect their parent or siblings from harm. Sometimes parentification looks like telling the child about their problems, including inappropriate topics for children because they have "no one else they can talk to" about it. A parent looks to their child for emotional support, for decision-making. A parent is depressed or unhappy in their marriage. A parent feels intense emotions which puts pressure on the child to take care of them. If you recognize yourself in this description, know that taking care of your parent, taking care of your siblings, even taking care of yourself was not your responsibility. You were a child. You needed your parent to take care of you, not the other way around. #boundaries #boundariesarehealthy #consciousparenting #toxicfamily #enmeshment #attachment #familytherapy #parentification #relationshiphelp #cptsd #childhoodabuse

Your family, your friends, your religion, even your therapist or treatment program may tell you that in order to heal from violence and abuse, you must forgive the people who hurt you. For some people, forgiveness feels freeing. It serves as a key part in their healing process. However, true forgiveness comes from within. It cannot be forced. Saying you forgive someone because you feel pressured is not forgiveness and it will not make you feel better. There are many reasons w...hy people might try to pressure you to say you forgive. Sometimes it is about how your trauma inconveniences them. They want to return to a sense of normalcy with the family or friend group. Maybe they want to evade being held accountable for the ways they were complicit. Other people have a narrow vision for what healing looks like. I see people in therapy get stuck on this idea so much in their lives has transformed and yet they don’t feel healed because they haven’t been able to forgive the person who hurt them. If you can’t forgive the person that hurt you, that is not some moral failing. It can be a form of resistance, of holding on to the fact that what the person did was not okay. I will say it again: forgiveness is not required for healing. The path to healing (or growth or moving on or whatever YOU call it) is uniquely yours. Only you get to decide what that means. We see this pressure to forgive in our institutions too. Lawmakers in the United States calling for unity and healing as a response to ongoing white nationalist violence are complicit. If you experienced pressure to forgive your abuser when you tried to hold them accountable, the messages about unity might bring up memories or body sensations related to that time. It might bring up memories about how people minimized the impact of the abuse, how they framed it as if you were the problem, you were being divisive or dramatic for feeling angry and wanting accountability. We must work to hold onto our knowing that what happened is unacceptable it is violence and abuse. #healingfromabuse #toxicrelationships #sexualabuse #abusesurvivor #recoveryquotes #gaslighting #traumarecovery #traumahealing

When the gap between where you are and where you envision yourself to be feels impossible to bridge remember all those tiny shifts you have already experienced in how you cope, how you treat yourself, and how you relate with the world. One of my favourite things to do as a therapist is reflect back to you all the changes I witness as they are happening whether you are embodying your emotions in a new way, stepping into the vulnerability of experiencing care and closeness, r...ecognizing and valuing your own needs, or having an incredible sense of aliveness and confidence in your eyes and in your voice. Do you see how far you have come? It’s important to slow down to recognize and really revel in your growth, especially when others reflect it back to you. Sometimes other people can see your growth better than you can. Can you let it in? Or do you brush it off as not a big deal? Revel in your growth. It’s an essential part of the process. #selfcompassion #healingjourney #traumahealing #selfreflection #traumarecovery #selfwork #bekindtoyourself

When we have known someone for a long time, we are more likely to lose sense of our own boundaries. We may find ourselves prioritizing the other person’s wants, needs, and feelings over our own, accepting hurtful comments, and saying yes to requests and obligations we don’t want to do. With long established relationship norms, it’s hard to imagine responding differently. How can we shift the dynamic? How do we know where our boundaries are? Notice how you feel when we are aro...und that person. Do you feel resentful, guilty, belittled, exhausted? Tuning into your own feelings is a superpower, detecting when boundaries are crossed and giving you direction and motivation to communicate those boundaries. What kind of interactions, comments or requests leave you feeling bad? It is incredibly hard, but you can respond differently. You can say no. You can have a conversation about what you feel and what you need. You can pull back. You can choose to share less, spend less time. You can choose to minimize contact or end the relationship altogether, even with people you have known for a long time. Your wants and needs are valid and deserving of respect. #healthyboundaries #setboundaries #sayingno #peoplepleasing #peoplepleaser #emotionalvampires #toxicrelationships #emotionalabuse #gaslighting #toxicfamily #boundaries

When parents use their financial support to influence the behaviour of their adult children, at best, they are acting out of genuine care or anxiety: You can’t move out, you can’t afford a place on your own. Maybe they use it to pressure you to do what they think is best for you: I’m paying for your apartment, you have to go to school for a career in ______. At worst, this kind of manipulation is part of a larger pattern of abuse. Financial abuse is about using money to k...eep you under their power and control. It is a particularly effective and covert abuse tactic because it can seem like a natural extension of the parent/child relationship. Recognize if your parent prevents you from obtaining, using, or holding onto money, or if they systematically use their financial support to force you into doing what they say. Whether it's abuse or unintentional sabotage, financial dependence can make you feel unsure of yourselfdo I know what’s best for me? Can I make it without them? It's not that you're helpless, but that your parents have subtly, overtly, or aggressively sabotaged your independence . Financial instability is the most common reason people stay in or go back to an abusive relationship. If you recognize you are experiencing financial abuse, take quiet action to get your finances together. When you are able, you can move out (you might not want to tell them ahead of time) or tell them you no longer need their financial support. You might need to set new boundaries, distancing yourself from them emotionally and physically in order to fully escape their web. Recognize it might harder, especially at first, losing a certain level of comfort and lifestyle. Notice if you swing in the other direction, becoming hyper-independent, refusing support in fear someone will use it to lord over you later. You are more capable than you know, but make no mistake, this isn’t about not needing support. You deserve support from caring and respectful people in your life who won’t use it to belittle you. #financialabuse #emotionalabuse #abusiveparents #dysfunctionalfamily #codependent #codependency #codependentnomore #enmeshment #healthyboundaries

If you are hard on yourself for not speaking up, if you didn’t have access to your voice in the moment, if you know the other person wouldn’t respect your no, know that it is just as valid to communicate boundaries non-verbally. We can be frustrated with people in our lives who struggle to articulate their boundaries. We can be hard on ourselves for not "speaking up" in the moment. But what if we valued non-verbal communication as much as we value verbal communication? What... if we paid special attention to non-verbal cues? If we respect each other, we honour each others’ limits. If you notice a friend exhibiting these non-verbal cues, we can check in: do you want to talk about something else? Is this too much? What do you need from me in this moment? By noticing our own spontaneous non-verbal responses in the moment like turning away, shutting down, or simply a sick feeling in our stomach, we can also learn our own boundaries, we can learn what is unacceptable to us, where our "no" is. It's messy and imperfect, but setting and respecting boundaries is a generative practice, emerging within and between people in a moment-to-moment basis. This can be an invitation to have compassion, for ourselves and other people, in the ways in which we communicate what we want, what we need, what is okay and not okay. What ways have you said "No" without speaking a word? #healthyboundaries #sayingno #setboundaries #boundariesarehealthy #peoplepleasing #selfcompassion #useyourvoice #journalingprompts

Happy(ish) Holidays to you and yours. You are held here, always. Please be safe.

When someone completely disregards your boundary after you have clearly communicated it to them, you might doubt or blame yourself: Did I not communicate it strongly enough? or Was my request unrealistic? While it’s useful to reflect on the clarity of your communication, notice if this is your reflex: when someone disregards your request, you conclude it must be somehow your fault I’m weak, I was overreacting, Why would I expect any different from this person? Your... boundaries matter. Notice the feelings that come up around the boundary violation confusion, disgust, anger, sadness. You may want to tell them that they crossed the line. And then, you decide if/to what degree you create distance from them. Notice this is not about changing how they behave, because that is not within your control. You can take a break or walk away. You can choose not to go to (virtual) gatherings they are attending. Maybe you choose not to respond to their reaching out. You share less. You deliberately shift the level of intimacy you have with them, or you can end the relationship entirely. When people violate your boundaries repeatedly, they do not get to be in your inner circle. You deserve to spend your time and energy on relationships of mutual care and respect. #healthyboundaries #boundariesarehealthy #toxicfriends #toxicfamily #peoplepleaser #setboundaries #betruetoyourself #youareworthy #selfworthquotes #assertiveness #decisionmaking

When you are setting boundaries, go in expecting the other person to push back in one way or another. If you expect it, you can be steadfast in your knowing that your boundary is valid. You can remind yourself you are making choices for your own health and wellbeing. Remember their pushback is exactly why you needed to set the boundary in the first place. You deserve to be treated with respect. But you cannot make the other person respect you. That is one of the more frustrat...ing realizations when you are learning to assert boundaries-- you don't have the power to make someone listen or change their behaviour. You can share with them what you like and what you don't like, what is acceptable and what is not acceptable. You can share why you need to set this boundary. You can share how you feel. But you can't make them change their behaviour. They get to decide how they respond to your request. They can try to talk it through. They can share their feelings. They can choose to continue to overstep the boundary. They can choose to end or pull away from the relationship. Making thoughtful decisions that are within your control, and letting of what you can't control, will make the practice of setting boundaries less energy draining. Remember that push back does not mean you are not being strong enough or clear enough or loud enough. When you have communicated a boundary, what have people said to you to try to push back? #healthyboundaries #setboundaries #boundariesarehealthy #settingboundaries #youareworthy #healthyrelationships #boundariesarebeautiful

When we are beginning the work of asserting boundaries, initially we might swing from prioritizing other people's needs to disregarding them-- refusing to listen, being very blunt about how their wellbeing is not our responsibility. While we aren't responsible for their needs and feelings, a healthy close relationship is reciprocal. As a recovering people pleaser, it can be challenging to find this balance. To go from always deferring to other people's wants and needs to comm...unicating and honouring your own might be jarring for the other person. Some people will be flexible and understanding especially if you are open about the fact that this is something you are working on. Other relationships will fall apart. Perhaps it was bad timing-- they needed you in the exact time when you made that crucial swing to honouring your needs, letting go of others'. But more often, the relationship ends because your disregarding yourself is what held it together. In healthy close relationships, we support each other to honour our needs. Not always prioritizing mine, not always prioritizing yours--allowing them to exist side-by-side, finding flexibility and balance in giving, receiving, and asking for support. #boundariesarehealthy #healthyboundaries #emotionalhealth #selfgrowth #codependency #toxicfriendships #peoplepleasing #peoplepleaser #healthyrelationships