Nalie

This Thanksgiving was definitely different, but if there’s one thing that my parents instilled in us is that when you count your blessings, your worries wash away! This is our family tradition. Every thanksgiving we gather around the table and say what we are thankful for in the last year before we feast. Here’s our Zoom lockdown edition #HappyThanksgiving

Ooh that glorious feeling of waking up to a new day with a first sip of hot matcha latte in the morning!!! #ExtraordinaryMoments #Sponsored Seems mundane huh? Not to me! Living with #MetastaticBreastCancer has made my days totally unpredictable. One moment I’m feeling fine and the next feels like I’ve been hit by a truck. So a good morning to me is a GREAT morning! One thing that helps during times of uncertainty is to have structure. Whether it’s a morning routine, o...r a plan for the next steps in treatment, it’s important to feel prepared before you start anything. www.ExtraordinaryMoments.ca is a website that was developed to support women living with #mBC, their families and loved ones by providing helpful resources both at initial diagnosis and beyond. I particularly found their downloadable First Moments Checklist to be useful. It helps prepare you to be your own best advocate by providing a list of questions to ask your Oncologist. I hope it can bring you the same ease and comfort like my cup of tea this morning xo See more

*OCTOBER 2, 2020* (part 9) 3 hours of weekly Taxol, 3 weeks on, 1 week off = 1 cycle. Today was my 3rd round. The number of cycles? To be determined! This is life living with mBC (metastatic breast cancer) - forever living in the unknown. Taxol feels familiar but this is my first time undergoing treatment alone. Montreal is officially on 'partial' lockdown for 28 days now that we are in the red zone. Family & social gatherings - Restricted. Restaurants & Bars - Closed. H...ealing stage 4 cancer... Still going strong! (thankfully). But COVID quarantine makes everything twice as hard mentally. I'm used to having Vee hold my hand through it all, or my parents & brothers by my side making me laugh during treatment. Now it's just me, my nurses and my crazy thoughts... Breast Cancer Awareness Month just kicked off and I won't lie... I feel a little triggered. When you're living with the disease daily, a month swamped with awareness campaigns (some educational and resourceful, others that make my eyes roll ) can feel heavy. Now add the elections, systemic racism, wildfires AND the emotional effects of the Full Moon. Woooosa! Anyone else feel like we're living in a dystopian movie? Sometimes, solitude can be serene. The perfect time for self-reflection, to shut off the noise, avoid the distractions and focus on what means the most to you. BUT if you are feeling lonely, now's the time to reach out to your loved ones even virtually. Remember to check on your friends (the strong ones too), and keep pivoting until you find your new normal, because let's face it - THESE ARE NOT NORMAL times. In my solitude, I learned to be comfortable with the unknown. I learned to ask for help. To be the one to hit the call button instead of waiting, wondering why others aren't calling me. I learned that in the unknown, there is room to create your desired future. It's like a blank slate! When I'm alone, my thoughts are my choices. So I continue to believe... "Ça va bien aller." #thediaryofnalie To be continued... PS: Benadryl knocks me out anyway so really... solo treatment isn't so bad! See more

*SEPTEMBER 18, 2020* (part 8) The thought of restarting IV chemotherapy for a 3rd time haunted me. Brain radiation was a success, but my lung nodules progressed and I was experiencing shortness of breath and a debilitating cough. My oncologist's suggestion: Taxol. I've done it in the past and tolerated it pretty well, and most importantly, it had worked on me! So I wasn't scared, but my ego had a hard time accepting this... I really thought my chemo days were over! I fel...t like a failure. All I kept thinking to myself was "I don't want to go back in the chair. Oh God, please not the chair." I felt like I was taking 7 steps backwards. But after deep discussions with my doctors and healing team, I knew this was the right thing to do. No matter what decision is made, YOU have to fully believe in it before agreeing to it. So I meditated and mentally prepared myself for the first treatment, actively flipping my mindset by envisioning the chair as my 'Healing Throne' instead. I started convincing myself that this treatment was going to work before even starting. "Miss Agustin, are you ready?" I followed the nurse through the doors to the treatment area. She lead me straight to this private room with a window view and a BED! She warned me that I won't be getting a bed and private room every time, and how this just so happened to be the only spot available... but I couldn't help but grin! I knew this wasn't a coincidence but a little wink from God to say "Hey! I got your back ok? So here's a comfortable bed to put you at ease and remind you to just trust me." With a new team, new hospital, a private room, a bed and sunshine glaring on my skin, it felt like a brand new experience. I was ready to kickstart this new journey, knowing this isn't a step backwards but a leap forward. And if I need to sit in the chair the next rounds, then I'll be ready. #thediaryofnalie To be continued... See more

*SEPTEMBER 8, 2020* (part 7) Nothing says "Nothing can stop me!" like peach fuzz hair growth and a FaceTime photoshoot with the one & only @karolinajez At first, I was hesitant... 4 months post-radiation, my hair was slowly and awkwardly growing back and I was feeling sluggish. You know when you don't feel good, so you don't think you look good? And when you don't feel or think you look good, then you start thinking the worst of yourself? ... This was another big lesson during my summer of 2020 - I had to learn HOW TO LOVE MYSELF at my absolute worst. The first times I lost my hair, the challenge was about my appearance. I questioned "Who am I without the long hair that everyone used to compliment? Who am I without my conventional feminine traits?" This time I was forced to reflect deeper. Coming off social media was freeing but also isolating. I was so used to my daily dose of dopamine from comments, likes and DMs! Now I had to ask myself: Who am I without the clout? Who am I without the followers? Who am I without the attention? Who am I without the workload? Who am I? Period. To be completely transparent, I felt useless. inadequate, and as a result: Unpretty. But self-love is beyond believing you are beautiful. It is learning to love yourself when you are at your weakest and most vulnerable. I was forced to connect with my humanness, acknowledge my hardships and fall in love with my grit, my resilience, my free-spirit... and weird sense of humour . I discovered what truly made me feel alive and vibrant. I learned that you will only see beauty in the outer world when you begin to see beauty within yourself. Suddenly, the joys of living were enough to remind me that I am perfectly imperfect. I learned that even when you're not in the limelight you can still shine bright So I FaceTimed @karolinajez and she snapped away. There was no studio, no ring lights, no MUA or fancy outfit... Just me in front of my window with the curtains behind my back, naked, raw, real and more fierce than ever. #thediaryofnalie To be continued... @ Montreal, Quebec See more

*AUGUST 8, 2020* (part 6) After a month of being bedridden, on 08/08 - our 7th anniversary, I asked God for a favour, "Can Vee simply have his girl back?" ...You know, the smiley, energetic, fun girl he fell in love with? Yes It's been hard for me, but I often think about how much harder it has been for him. My friends and family tend to see me when I am well... But Vee... he never leaves my side. ... He is the one to hear every cry and cough (It hurts to see the look of worry on his face) He's taken on every household chore (He never lets me lift a finger). He lifts me up when I'm curled up in a ball in the shower (Even if his shirt gets wet). He cracks bad dad jokes when I'm down (He's going to make a great father someday). He remembers to tuck a napkin under my chin when I eat (He knows I always spill my soup). He lays next to me in bed as I toss and turn from discomfort (He barely gets any sleep). He reminds me to be strong (When I could tell, he also feels weak) All he wishes is to dig his hands deep inside me and rip this disease out... but he can't. And he hates that feeling... like there's nothing he can do... But little does he know that all that he is doing is healing me every damn day. On 08/08, We decided to take a mini trip to Mont-Gabriel to celebrate Year 7 Maybe God heard my prayer, or perhaps it was my extreme joy and excitement that masked the pain? But I finally felt GOOD enough to celebrate! So much that I even managed to muster the strength to complete a beautiful 9km walk in nature. See baby, with you, anything is possible! Mini miracles go a long way. I will continue to hold on to them, until we reach our big picture. This may not have been our most "romantic summer", but my love for you couldn't be greater. I won't say I'm sorry because I know you hate it, so instead I just wanna scream from the mountain tops how grateful I am to be your girl Happy 7 years @veethakrar #0808 #nvadventures #thediaryofnalie To be continued... @ Hôtel Mont Gabriel See more

*JULY 2020* (part 5) In July, there were no fireworks, festivals or travel plans and just like the world was forced to shutdown, so was I. I spent my entire July on the couch like this. I slept over 16-hours a day, napping after every meal because even the simplest tasks made me exhausted. What? Did you seriously think that the burning ceremony would immediately result in running down a field of flowers surrounded by sunshine and rainbows? Nay! Healing ain't pretty. When y...ou release, it has to go somewhere right? It comes out as tantrums, tears, sweat and poop! The most difficult part for me wasn't the fatigue, aches, pains and overall discomfort from steroids, but it was how I tortured myself mentally and beat myself up for feeling this way while thinking of everything I coulda shoulda woulda done! My mind is strong, but when my body is weak, it plays tricks on me. I spent weeks wondering how I can fight this. More yoga? More walks? More acupuncture? What else can I possibly do do do? But you see, that was exactly the problem. My body was asking me to stop do-do-doing and let it do its job. Deep sleep is restorative! It's when we replenish our energy, repair cells, tissues, and muscles. So often we think sleep is lazy and unproductive, when really, its our best tool to heal. I used to always say, I feel like an old lady - brittle, weak about to wither away. Now I say I'm like a new born baby. This IS my Rebirth! In order for babies to grow strong and healthy, they need to eat, sleep, cry, poop and be loved. So I finally surrendered and gave myself permission to sleep, binge watch Netflix and let my loved ones take care of me. I accepted and understood that this is ALL I needed to be doing right now. I showed gratitude for having the privilege to even do so knowing many Thrivers in my shoes can't (Shout out to working mothers... you're the real MVP ) Rest is now my gift of gratitude to my body for working so damn hard to keep me alive. I once measured a good day by my level of productivity, now I measure it by my level of PRESENCE. Less doing. More being - my biggest challenge yet! #thediaryofnalie To be continued...

*JUNE 5, 2020* (part 4) The day after I shaved my head, it was June's Full Moon and a Lunar Eclipse... I knew this was divine timing to continue my shedding - a chance to release the trauma and pain. To let go and let God. For a full year, Mama Oracle and I hosted #TheReleaseMTL, holding space for hundreds of women through our healing circles... yet never did we really hold space for ourselves. So I hit up Mama O like "Hey girl, are you ready for the ULTIMATE RELEASE?" I ...didn't have to ask twice! Words cannot express the magic of that night. It kinda felt like that old movie, the Craft? There was pink and purple lightning, rain, dirt, fire, spiders... it's hard to explain... We laid blankets beneath a big oak tree by the Lachine canal where I poured my heart out to Mama O by reading her my very long letter. After my last radiation, I felt this urge to I pick up pen & paper and write. My hand was practically possessed scribbling up to 20-pages about traumatic life experiences from 1988 to 2020. I practically wrote a full memoir! From childhood to adulthood, I was able to identify my patterns of people pleasing and pretending to be someone I'm not in order to make others feel comfortable. I've always been 'different' my entire life, from the colour of my skin, the language I speak, to how I perceive the world... I never felt like I belonged. Like a character in a movie, I learned how to play the perfect role. I've always lived with this pressure that I had to over-achieve in order to prove myself as an 'other'. Perhaps this pressure is what manifested into my scalp. Writing this letter and reading it out loud allowed me to acknowledge the past and forgive myself for being so harsh to my soul. It was CATHARTIC! Now it was time to BURN! We descended into the canal that was conveniently emptied out for construction and placed our signature cauldron by the rubble closest to the shallow water. My best friend Melissa and my love Vee came to join the ceremony. Together, we ripped and lit that sh*t to ashes! For me, the mask did not only represent the end of radiation treatment. It symbolized finally taking off the many masks I've worn to conform, finally revealing who I have always been - Perfect. Seen. Healthy. Enough. Magnificent. Divine Love. The moment we were done and the cauldron was filled with nothing but ashes, it began to pour. We ended the night letting out one big SCREAM! "AAAAAahhhh" I yelled at the top of my lungs *deep exhale*... ok, I'm ready to leave the past in the past. I refuse to repeat this pattern. I am ready to create my own path. Let's move forward. #thediaryofnalie To be continued...

https://www.mtlblog.com//montreals-nalie-agustin-opened-up

*JUNE 4, 2020* (part 3) Did you know that you lose your hair 2 weeks after brain radiation? I didn't! Well, I guess I never really put thought to it because I never really thought I'd need to... This is the 3rd time I'm shaving my head - once every 3 years seems to be the pattern, when the length is finally beneath my bosom where I like it *sigh* 3rd time's a charm right? The #3 does mean divine wholeness, completeness and perfection. ... This 3rd time was different. I knew what I'd look like so I wasn't shocked. I wasn't scared because I know it is temporary. I was definitely frustrated however, angry that this was happening again. But even if I wanted to cry, I couldn't because my brothers, dad and cousin (facetiming from TO) decided to buzz their heads with me and made me laugh the entire time! Like always, the Agustins turned a miserable situation into a celebration. I realized that's a choice! In life, you can't control what is happening to you... but you can definitely choose how to react to it. I choose to celebrate. To transform bad memories into great (hilarious) ones. To laugh after I cry. To own every outcome and seek purpose and meaning in it all. That's how you shift from victim to victor. Cancer or no cancer. Your perception is your reality. #thediaryofnalie To be continued... See more

*MAY 21-27 2020* Radiation started the next day. 5 rounds. Whole brain. Before each round, I slowly walked down my condo stairs, one shaky step at a time, to find my whole family waiting for me in the parking lot for our routine "FAMILY HUG!!!" (like my niece says ) With everyone's hands on my head, my Dad prayed for our miracle. ... May 27th was my 5th and last round. This time, joining my family was a surprise Zoom call with my best friends from all around the world. Even if all I saw were their tiny faces in squares on the phone, blurred by the tears in my eyes, their presence was felt immensely. Together, we prayed for my healing. Fast forward to a CT scan done in July... Results show that the lesions have significantly decreased!!! My radiation oncologist confirmed the scan showed huge improvement and what is left is very very small. The importance is, the excruciating pain disappeared! In fact, the headaches stopped just after 2 rounds! I have to thank my whole Oncology team for being superheros and getting me the necessary care that I needed FAST, yet with so much care and compassion. Anne, Dr. A, Dr. H... I feel invincible with you by my side. To my friends and family, thank you for finding a way to light me back up again I believe, and KNOW that your prayers were just as powerful as the radiation beams. Love heals. And I love you all so much. #thediaryofnalie To be continued... See more

*MAY 20, 2020* I thought it was just side effects from medication... From neck pain, headaches, muscle spasms and sudden numbness in my legs. On May 20, 2020... My Dad was on his way to give me a massage to ease the pain, but before he arrived, another spasm hit and I almost fell to the floor. I knew it was time to call it in. My nurse said to come in immediately. I hopped in my Dad's car and we made our way to the hospital. My nurse was at the door to greet me. Making our w...ay inside, I tripped as my leg went numb once more. "Let's get her a wheelchair" she said. I could not believe I was being rolled into the hospital for an emergency CT scan of the brain. Once the scan was complete, my oncologist said he'd get the results immediately so we could just wait in the room. Meanwhile, Vee who was at home messaged me, "Babe our power just went out"...At that exact moment, my Oncologist walks in to confirm... "It's cancer. 11 lesions. You need to start radiation ASAP." My Dad's face fell into his hands. As for me, all I remember hearing in my head was "no." No, this can't be true? No, this is not cancer? No, I don't want to do this? But mostly, no, this can't be the end. Just like the power went out at home, so did the light in my heart. At a snap of a finger, I was rolled into a room to get my custom mask made in preparation for 5 rounds of full brain radiation. #thediaryofnalie To be continued...

SUMMER 2020 - By far, the most challenging days of my life. But with all challenges come great lessons... And as hard as it is, I feel called to share. So I'm back! But I ask, if you are following... ... I need you to believe in me as much as I believe in myself. Thank you for your space this summer. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your dms and daily comments on my last post (I read them all). Thank you for understanding that even the strongest most resilient Thrivers need breaks! I won't lie... I am TIRED. But I'm fired up! Full update coming soon xo Music: Out Of Time (ft. Lily Hain) by Leonell Cassio https://soundcloud.com/leonellcassio Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported CC BY-SA 3.0 Free Download / Stream: https://bit.ly/l-c-out-of-time Music promoted by Audio Library https://youtu.be/gY6eEnR2tTU